Oh honey, you must be very happy you are not alive today. How did you manage to keep up your charade for five years? How did you live with yourself? Five years of lying?! Everything I thought you were was a lie. We were going to be married, honey. When were you planning on telling me, on our wedding night? God, this explains so much now.
I have been mourning who I thought you were for two months. I have been devastated and destroyed. Now I have no idea what to believe. Was anything you ever told me real? I poured my life out to you and laid myself bare, completely vulnerable and trusting for the first time in my long life. And in reciprocation I got a manufactured story and betrayal.
You met a girl online and told her a pretty story of a flawed guy who just tried to live a simple life. Then you let our relationship get serious and still didn’t tell me the truth. You were stuck. You made up this big fantasy to make yourself seem like the type of guy you thought someone like me needed. And when we were finally going to move in together you fessed up, on two out of the three issues. But you knew that one last issue would have been one too far and we would have ended. But instead of taking the risk and being honest with me you kept going. Even when I forgave the other things, you still kept going.
We moved in together and lived together for three years. Your children became my family. You let me leave a hard built career with full benefits. You let me leave my friends and family. You let me cash out my hard earned retirement to help us build some ridiculous company that was never going to happen. You let me move my mother out here. All based on lies.
You destroyed my life. But what is worse, I let you destroy my life. I protected myself for years. I did the responsible thing, always. The one time in my life I take a risk and this is what I get. How could you have done this? You basically conned me! What kind of person does this to someone? How did you live with yourself?
I know why you started it. You were an out of work electrician, living with his soon to be second ex wife and then with his parents. You were just a normal guy with a complete lack of self responsibility and ambition. So you pretended to be someone women would respect. You thought we would be more willing to get involved with your fantasy guy than with who you really were. People do this online all the time. But if that is what you were going to play then you should have let me go when I broke things off early in our relationship. Instead you manufactured a tragedy that would bring me back to support you, and give you another chance because hey, I kind of caused the tragedy by breaking up with you, right? You asshole! God, I am so gullible. You didn’t let me go. You pulled me in deeper. You let me fall in love with you and plan a future with you.
Now you are not here and I am forced to be the one to defend you as well. Why should the victim have to defend the perpetrator? I hate you for this right now.
I know you loved me. I know you were insecure and found yourself stuck in a terrible situation you didn’t know how to get out of. I know you never intended to destroy my life. But you never even gave us the chance to find out if we could love and be successful in honesty. I never told you I was looking for some hero you thought I needed. I had a mailman for a grandfather, a tree trimmer for a father, a salesman for a step-father and normal boyfriends my whole life. Not telling me the truth means you never trusted me to know the truth. I know you feared I would leave you, and maybe I would have, let’s be honest this was HUGE. But if I am honest with myself I probably would have been mad and then stayed. Shit, where would I go?
You were afraid I would see you as a loser, that I wouldn’t respect you and that I would call you all of the names your parents called you every day. You needed me to look up to you. You needed someone on your side who wouldn’t treat you like shit. As much as you liked to pretend you were perfect and everything was fine, the truth is you were damaged. And if all these lies are anything to gauge, you were deeply damaged. I wish I had known how bad it was, maybe we could have worked on it together.
Maybe you didn’t even know it yourself. Maybe you were a psychopath and I was lucky to get out with my life. But I don’t think so. I think you were a desperate, broken little boy who was trying to create a new life for himself. But you were selfish. You wanted us so badly you didn’t care enough to make things right between us. You didn’t care enough to realize that this depth of betrayal could do extreme psychological and financial damage to me. You only cared about yourself. Did you ever love me? Were you capable of love?
I don’t know what is real anymore. I don’t know what was the truth and what were the lies. I love you, and yes, I miss you. Maybe someday I will be able to forgive you as well.