And Then The Lights Came On.


It’s been a busy week, honey. I had a couple of breakdowns. I had my first therapy session, which it turns out I really needed. Then yesterday we were having terrible winds and finally lost power.

At first it was interesting, something new to take my mind off… everything. I found the candles. I pulled out the blankets. I found the power brick to recharge everything. I settled in for a few hours of darkness. I watched a movie on my ipad. I watched some TV shows. I ran out of things to watch. Hours later still no power. So I settled in for a cold night with terrible sleep.

I woke up cold. The cats were going crazy trying to raise their body temperature through fights and chasing each other. Mom and I went out to get something to eat and to see how far the black out extended. It didn’t seem far, just the main stretch of road. Seemed a simple thing that would be fixed soon. Then I checked the web site for the power company… and freaked out. They weren’t projecting the power to be back until tomorrow at 10pm. By that point the temperature was projected to get in the teens.

You know this California lizard was not going to make it through temps that low. The house was running about 15 degrees warmer than outside. That was only going to get worse. I panicked and started calling around for a generator. No one answered… anywhere. I got in the car and started the hunt for a generator. The lovely reply from one of the sales clerks was “I hear Canada has the closest one available.” HOLY SHIT! So, I broke down and texted your brother. Who asked if I had checked with your dad 😦 . I am not asking your parents for anything more than I am already getting. Not going to happen. I think he understood and offered his girlfriends generator to use. Thank God!!

I ran over and picked it up. Your son helped me set it up. It billowed and smoked and the smell of gas permeated the neighborhood. I freaked out and turned it off. That didn’t last long. An hour later I gave it another try. This time it ran smoothly. I hooked up the old portable radiator, locked myself and the four cats in the bedroom and bundled up in piles of blankets. I shivered. I read. I panicked the generator would explode. I read. I worried if the generator would make it through the night. I read. I feared I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow morning. Hours went by and it continued to get colder.

Then the lights came back on. The heater flared to life. I realized I wanted to live.

I want to live. I don’t want to live without you, but I want to live nonetheless. I miss you so much that I feel like a walking, bleeding wound. Every breath hurts. Every minute is agony. But I don’t want to stop yet. So I’m going to try this thing. It’s going to take a while to get my shit together. But I am going to try. So I need you to wait a while longer because apparently it’s not my time yet.

I love you, honey! I miss you.

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