I’m tired, honey. I am just not sleeping well and it has been a hard week. Your one month mark was Sunday. None of us handled that well.
Your daughter and I had a long talk Monday night and I think the ice that formed between us after your death is mostly gone now. We just didn’t know how to behave with each other. She was still in shock and trying to just move on and I was (and still) clinging to you as much as I can. It is starting to hit her now. You just can’t push grief aside, it will always come back to bite you. Each of her last couple of visits home from college recently had been all about your death. I don’t think she was capable of coming back this spring break and dealing with more. She needed to take care of herself a bit. She needed some time, but I think your family is trying to get the kids to clean out your old stuff at your parents place. I told her to tell them to slow down, it isn’t hurting anyone where it is right now and trying to deal with it immediately will hurt the kids. They both need some time.
Your son is going to NYC this weekend with school. I am glad, he needs a little something to take his mind off things as well.
Me, I had a hard day yesterday. I have been pushing off the grief too. I have been doing everything I can to keep my mind busy because every time I am idle I can’t stop crying or reliving the days in the hospital. The crying I can mostly handle. The flashbacks to the hospital are brutal. Those days are so vivid. So painful… okay on to something else.
It is hard to concentrate on anything for long, my brain wants to go back to the pain. You know how much I love to read, but I could only make it a chapter or two before I needed to take a break. It took me three days to finish a book I used to plow through in one. I feel like I need to be strapped into the clockwork orange chair with my eyes propped open just to focus on anything.
I am worried about the future. I know I am not ready to work again, but I am scared and feeling the pressure to get a job immediately. How does one get a job when they are crying all the time, they can’t concentrate, they are tired from nightmares and lack of sleep and every few days they get a panic attack. No one wants to hire that, lol.
We had a snow storm. My car is stuck in about two feet of snow and I honestly can’t find the energy to deal with it. That means figuring out how to run the snow blower, then have more flashbacks to how you gave me a quick run down of how it works. Just to spend an hour blowing off the driveway with tears running down my face in a real feel temp of 15. I think I will just keep procrastinating for a while and see if it melts down. The crappy part was I had to skip my therapy session this week because of the storm.
I miss your chest. I miss resting my head on your shoulder with my hand rested on your chest. I miss you grabbing my hand while we watch TV and you would tickle my palm. I miss everything. I miss YOU, so very much. Can the human body handle this much emotional pain? Maybe I will die from a broken heart. I don’t want to. But it feels like it could happen, like it should happen. But it wont, that’s my life, suffer through. I am tired of trying to just keep my head above water. I know I am just depressed right now, I recognize that. But we were supposed to be keeping our heads above water together. It was supposed to be us together!
I miss you so much. I love you so much.