Well Honey, I haven’t written lately because I have been avoiding. I avoid feeling the pain. I avoid thinking about you. I avoid the future. I avoid everything. Because if I have to deal with it, then I am going to have to deal with the pieces I am avoiding the most – my anger with you.
You left me. I know you didn’t choose this, but the result was the same, you left me. You did exactly what I feared would happen. How many times did I tell you “If you die, I die”? But you were still relatively young. You thought you were still 12, invincible and living a happy life. But it was all an illusion, so that you could avoid reality. Now I am left here dealing with it, without you.
You knew you had blood pressure problems, but you refused to explore solutions. You were afraid, I know that. You didn’t want to lose pieces of yourself. Your ability to be 100% coherent. Your ability to have a strong sex life. Your ability to eat whatever you want. All of these things made up the type of life you treasured. But I treasured you. Because you refused to give up these things, to explore alternatives, to try… I had to lose you. And that really pisses me off!
I am left alone in this unfamiliar city. I am left alone in this unfinished house. I am just left alone. God damnit, honey! I am so mad at you. I just want you back. But there is no fixing this. Now I feel guilty for not being the harassing nag. I didn’t drag your ass to the doctor every week. I didn’t risk our happiness for your life. I know you wouldn’t have gone. I know you would have hated me for turning into your parents. But maybe you would still be alive. You might have left me, and I would still be alone, but at least you might be alive.
So yeah, I am angry with you. I am mad you are gone. I am mad I feel guilty. I am mad that I am alone. I am mad that I still feel like you are going to walk in the door every damned day. I am mad that I have to imagine you resting your hand on my head while we sleep. I am mad that I had to lie to you in the hospital; to tell you that I would be okay, you would be okay, you wouldn’t have to be locked inside yourself forever – and you weren’t, because you aren’t here anymore. And I am not okay. You are not okay. Everything is completely screwed up. And I just want you back.
I love you so much. I miss you so very, very much!